I have a hard time with just handing money to my children for no reason what
so
ever on a regular basis. I feel it
teaches....
The trouble with focusing on teaching is
that it ignores what and how people
really learn. There's a grand parenting
myth that in order for children to learn
what's right and good, you have to
be stern and strong, put your foot down, make
them work for it, make them
prove they're worthy. The marvelous thing about
unschooling is you get to see
that none of that is really true. You actually Can
be sweet and kind and
generous and gracious to your kids without "teaching" them
to be rotten
little monsters who don't give a crap about anyone but themselves.
I'll
repeat the important part of that:
It's Okay to Be Nice to your Children!
It won't ruin them for life.
just handing money to my children
for no reason
Generosity is a reason and a darned good one. Kids don't
become "spoiled" by an
abundance of generosity, they grow bitter when
attention and care are replaced
with things.
I also do not pay
them to do the regular chores around the house ... as a
family we all have to
contribute to things.
Why did you have children? If
it was to make more workers for your family
economy, then your philosophy is
perfectly consistent and reasonable (and this
is why unschooling doesn't work
in some environments - if children are necessary
to the financial solvency of
a community it is not possible to unschool).
But if you have the luxury
of valuing your children other reasons - for their
love of life, their
fascination with the world, their personalities and
uniqueness, then they are
already contributing to your family and your life. You
don't Have To make
them earn anything else - they've already succeeded in
enriching your
world.
Probably, you're thinking in terms of teaching, though, and
getting stuck there.
It seems reasonable that you have to teach children to
be good workers, because
they don't start out that way... except that's not
the case. They Do start out
motivated and well able to learn what they
need... until teaching sabotages
their learning, interrupting what they care
to learn until mindless, silly tasks
are accomplished. Over time, without
being taught or required to "contribute"
kids do discover the value of some
of those mindless, silly tasks and start to
take them on - they Voluntarily
begin to help. That's a consistent finding
across families that don't require
"contributions" but are open to them.
Openness matters, for sure! Homes where
kids are not Permitted to contribute are
different matters - and those are
often the homes people point to when they say:
see these kids weren't made to
help and they're helpless. They weren't "not
made" they were "not
allowed".
I guess for me it is important for my children to know
that money is earned
But it isn't always earned - and
certainly money is not always earned in
proportion to work. People receive
money from trusts, insurance, investments,
inheritance, spouses, grants, and
gifts. And there are people who work for no
money or very little compared to
what they do.
There's no correlation between making kids sing for their
supper and a strong
work ethic. The laziest, most money-grubbing people I've
met were raised doing
work for their parents and taught that money had to be
earned. Some of the most
generous people I've met were raised with no
expectations they "contribute to
the family". Which isn't to say that chores
will necessarily ruin your kids -
teaching isn't learning no matter how you
slice it. What kids learn from
parental expectations is personal - some will
learn they are valued as good
workers, others will learn that work sucks and
it's better to bilk the system
for every penny.
and that it is
not easy always
This is another fantastically huge parenting myth: that
it's somehow possible
for kids to learn that life is easy and they can have
anything they want. There
is not a shred of reality in that myth. Really, you
could bend over backwards
saying yes to everything all day long and kids
would still run into a hundred
roadblocks, frustrations and disappointments.
The sun will go down no matter how
hard you wish otherwise. It rains on
picnics. Squirrels eat the tulips, the deer
fail to show up not matter how
long you wait, and the hummingbirds eventually
fly off until next year.
People get tired and are uncooperative. Bodies change
and old things no
longer fit. Beloved toys and blankets wear out and fall apart.
Life is so
full of hardship and disaster that parents don't need to add a single
"no"
for kids to figure that out... usually by age 2. It's that obvious.
And -
and! it's impossible to say yes even to all the things which
are
theoretically possible. Parents aren't always as capable, creative, and
have
enough energy for everything (although we're often better than we
think,
especially with practice!). Parents aren't perfect - they're human
beings! And
that's really fine because so are children. Never, every worry
that a child will
grow up thinking life is easy.
One of the
fascinating aspects of radical unschooling is getting to see the
biggest
parenting "have tos" proved wrong. You don't have to be stern and hard
for
their benefit, you don't have to teach them life is hard, you don't have
to
teach them the benefit of work - you don't have to teach anything at all.
You
can live with them as friends - you the more together, capable friend who
is
graciously offering your resources to your less informed, less capable
friend
who needs a lot of help for awhile. What a great friend to be! What a
great
friend to have! I didn't get that good of a friend as a child, so I'm
finding it
a special honor to get to be one. It's marvelous.
I
also think that it is so important to learn to wait for
something.
Delayed gratification is one of the many things adults think
comes from teaching
which is actually developmental - and like anything
developmental that means
some people learn it much sooner than others, based
on unique qualities. When
kids are required to wait too often and for too
long, some of them learn to be
resigned, some to be resentful, some that they
aren't worthy, some that when
they grow up it will be their turn to make
Others wait. A lot of that will have
to do with personality.
What you
can do is set kids up to succeed and don't make them wait for
things
unnecessarily when you can avoid it and help kids wait gracefully -
either by
helping them find a distraction or commiserating gently and
supporting their
emotions. Which one is more appropriate will depend on the
child and situation.
My point is that in general my kids know
that money just buys things and we
really do not need all those things to
survive and be happy!
Yes, kids can learn things
like that even in conventional parenting situations,
if parents are generous
and engaged in other ways. Being generous and engaged
are the big things -
and that's good to know if you're daunted by these crazy
radical ideas that
kids can learn grace and thoughtfulness and responsibility
without being
taught.
As with any situation, I think talking, talking, talking
with your children
and really with them and not at them is the most important
tool to helping them
see where you are coming
from.
This is a piece of advice that works so well for
some families and is utterly
disastrous for others. What Is important is
creating an environment where
communication is open and flows both ways, but
how that happens Rarely involves
lots of talking. When it does, it's a
personality thing.
A big part of what makes communication work is
actually stepping back from
trying to get someone else to see your point of
view and considering theirs -
and that's all the more important when "they"
are children. There is development
to consider and the innate power
differential between a parent and a child. So
it is all the more important
that parents can see a child's perspective if they
want to open up the lines
of communication.
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