Clearly I edited the context for this down to the barest minimum.
>why doesn't the anger drum work
every
> time?
I'm starting with the end because its
an important question - Nothing is going to "work every time"
because people don't always get angry for the exact same reason, with
the exact same build-up. I'm guessing the idea of an anger drum is to
work out some tension, but anger isn't just some vague, free-floating
emotion, especially for young children. It has a cause. Banging the
drum doesn't fix the cause of the anger. That's why its better to
look at the specific needs each time and try to understand why the
person is angry - and then look for ways to prevent that from
happening again.
Ready to dive in?
> I'll ask him to return the
object he took from me and ask if he
> wants to use it.
Woops and woops. Start sooner. Make the
fact that he has some thing a non-issue.
Kid-proof your house better if there
are tons of things lying around that children shouldn't handle. Put
things "out of sight out of mind" at the very least, and
maybe pack up somethings for a few years in storage. Kids learn by
interacting with the world, so set them up with a world they can
touch and explore in safety while they're home. There will be plenty
of other places for "don't touch" I promise!
Did he take the thing, whatever it was,
out of your hand? Can you be a grown-up and get another? Or wait your
turn? Usually, if you can give a child a "turn" to use or
explore something you have, they get their fill and move on - much
quicker and easier all 'round than starting a fight with a little
kid. Taking turns is a better expression than sharing when you have
multiple kids, too - the whole concept of turn taking makes more
sense to a child than the ephemeral "share".
Don't start with "no" or
"give it back" whenever possible. Start with a general
comment or question, make conversation. See the behavior as a means
of communicating interest - either in the thing or in you and your
attention. Give him attention and fill up his interest - that's how
children learn.
> I'll smile and say, "You're
awesome. And funny. Please ask if you'd
> like to use it in the future. You
know I usually say yes. Until then,
> please return it."
First of all, too many words. When
parents use too many words, its a good sign that they aren't
listening to kids enough and looking at non-verbal forms of
communication (like behavior!) enough. So step back a bit and observe
more. Learn to understand your kids without so many words.
Next... if you usually say yes, then
why not now? Can you wait thirty seconds? Get another one? One of the
benefits of being an adult is that you have the ability to wait and
delay gratification - kids don't have that and its not something they
learn so much as grow into. It's up to you to be thoughtful and
considerate and patient For Him - for now.
> And then he'll try to kick me. Or
push me. Or slap me with a towel.
He's frustrated. He's trying to
communicate with you and you're not getting the message so he's
resorting to more primitive forms of communication. That's All he has
right now! He's little. He'll learn better skills, but not if you
keep pushing him over the edge.
I'm guessing he's not getting enough
attention. Dote on him. Give him Tons of attention. Spend lots and
lots of time with him. If you think you're giving enough, assume
you've been wrong and give more. Spend more time listening to him and
watching him. That way, even if he needs something other than
attention, you'll be set up to notice what it is.
That's not to say you shouldn't let him know that you don't want to be hit or kicked, but communication, on your side, needs to be more about listening and understanding than telling and explaining. Isn't that what we want our kids to learn? To listen and understand? Let him see what that part of communication looks like and feel how good it is to receive.